We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
