Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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