tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
