I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
