i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
