she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
