Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
