i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
