We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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