I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
