fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
