remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
