My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
