tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
