i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
