dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
