cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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