I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
