she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
