tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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