If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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