i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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