but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize