Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
