I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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