I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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