my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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