you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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