I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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