I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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