i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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