where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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