You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
