Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
