Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
