I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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