hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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