I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
