Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
