Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
