So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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