that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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