I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
