Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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