I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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