and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
