All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
