Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
