U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
