Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
