What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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