Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
