theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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