shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
