Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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