I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
