good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
