I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
