He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Found your dick twin last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize