we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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