Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We need to feng shui this bitch.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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