if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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