I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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