all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
