Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Farmville is her only friend.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
