I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
