I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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