OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
