She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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