answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
