Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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